Dork Rap

I'm the only person to ever rap in an oxford university polo. Probably.

Flies, Pie Charts, and Instructional Videos

Burlington, Vermont, where you spend a third of your year freezing your ass off. It’s not such a great motto, nor does it make a particularly pretty silhouette. Shoulder blades hunching forward trying to meet in the middle of your chest for a kiss until you have a back knot of epic proportions. Bent over in the wind, the end of the winter finds you three inches shorter than you were at the beginning. Other seasons in Vermont include being knee deep in mud, and of course, Fall.

However now it that wonderful part of the year where it gets blistering hot and everyone’s house and apartment fills with bugs.

The flies are everywhere, fruit flies and house flies, there is no amount of cleaning or wine traps that can stop it, it’s a simple fact of a Burlington resident’s existence. Somewhere in my head I can hear my mother’s mantra of “BLEACH EVERYTHING” echoing, yet even the Jersey matriarch’s beloved corrosive chemical can’t kill them. Boiling water is poured down drains, wine traps, and pheromone traps are left out and if you are, as I am, inclined towards sweet drinks (read: Whisky and lemonade is my poison of choice) you draw the little f*ckers to you like, well, like flies to honey.

Thus the invention of my brand new game.

Perhaps an out-cropping of a childhood spend in figure skating locker rooms, I can crack a dishtowel like a pro. (I pro what, I don't know. Maybe there's a league for that sort of thing) It’s something that I’ve use to chase Irish boyfriends out of the kitchen for years, but finally it has come in actual handy. So here’ s the points system.

Housefly : 4 Points
Fruit Fly: 7 Points
2 Fruit Flies at once: 10 Points

So Burlington residents, get your dishtowels ready, check out my helpful instructional video and keep score. It’s hunting season.