i met a girl: a snowball in hell she was hard and cracked as the liberty bell...

There is the sound of a sternum breaking. The half splintering wood, half soft fleshy sound that makes me nauseous and forces me to choke back acrid bile.

Then I remember twilight and I remember Pont Champlain

I dig my nails deeper pulling the ribcage apart a little, jamming my fingers into the spaces between bones. The body is surprisingly resistant to being ripped in half. Pain, and looks of anguish are of course all a part of the process.

Then I remember things you left behind: the smell of apples, sunshine. Hair.

Finding strength I rend the corpse in two. I am surprised, the heart is still in one piece. So many stab wounds from the rear torso...it defies any sort of logic.

I remember being warm once...

I box my little gift and leave it innocuously wrapped on your porch. A parting gift from the depths of me. Burn it in good health lover.

and I remember nothing at all

(from a basement on a hill)

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

when i open my mouth it's like a switchblade knife coming out...

EraserHeadFan: oprah is a piece of shit
EraserHeadFan: give a homeless guy a hundred thousand dollars and see what he does? thats exploitation
EraserHeadFan: i also think fox news is the devil
Debbie: i dont think youre in the position to make that judgement
EraserHeadFan: why not?
Debbie: because youre not him
Debbie: i would kill to be exploited that way
EraserHeadFan: would you want it filmed?
3:15 AM
Debbie: dude
Debbie: i dont give a fuck
Debbie: in fact I would think that's sweet
Debbie: its 100,000 dollars
Debbie: no offense
Debbie: but if someone gives you an opportunity take it
Debbie: You would turn that down?
EraserHeadFan: no, i just wouldnt like oprah looking over my shoulder
EraserHeadFan: seein what i do with it
Debbie: Oprah says "i'm going to give you 100,000, do whatever the fuck you want with it and I'm going to document it"
EraserHeadFan: id start my business. she wouldnt like it, though
Debbie: so
Debbie: i dunno
Debbie: whatever it is
EraserHeadFan: just because id take it doesnt mean it isnt exploitative
3:20 AM
Debbie: thats not explotive baby
Debbie: pick your battles
Debbie: or a battle
Debbie: its a trade
Debbie: you get 100,000 and you have to do something for it, be documented
EraserHeadFan: how bout this. im in saint louis. the news reports a story of a family in michigan who loses a dog, put up lost flyers around their neighborhood, then a week later recieves a package on their doorstep containing thier dogs severed head. is that really newsworthy? who the hell needs to hear that?
Debbie: so you blame the news for that?
Debbie: for putting that on the air?
EraserHeadFan: why do they need to put that on the air?
EraserHeadFan: the news in this country is fucked up.
Debbie: no
Debbie: If you think it's the media youre a fucking idiot
Debbie: People demand that shit man
Debbie: Its the ignorant people in this country
EraserHeadFan: oh, i dont agree with the asshole who did it in the first place
Debbie: They cry out for those stories
EraserHeadFan: and how does that story educate, enlighten, or edify people?
Debbie: CNN puts up shit about brit spears when there is GENOCIDE in darfur!
Debbie: Why?
EraserHeadFan: i dont agree with that, either
3:25 AM
Debbie: If people wanted to hear about what's actually going on they would put it up
Debbie: Watch european news. the BBC doesn give a fuck about lost dogs or superstars
Debbie: because the british people want to know whats really going on
Debbie: our country is fat and lazy we refuse to act
EraserHeadFan: good! how come america has missed the mark?
Debbie: Because they aren't hungry
Debbie: its our culture to be sated
Debbie: But then again
Debbie: what are you doing to change it?
EraserHeadFan: hmm
Debbie: when was the last time you spoke out?
Debbie: change begins within
Debbie: Be a Catalyst
Debbie: listen i gotta go to bed
Debbie: its almost 4 am here and I've been researching most of the night putting together the business plan for my production company
3:30 AM
EraserHeadFan: okay
Debbie: art is resistance man
Debbie: action is resistance
EraserHeadFan: art is subjective, and easily ignored.
EraserHeadFan: sadly, i know
Debbie: inactivity makes you the getaway driver to a nation that robs itself of its own righteousness
Debbie: Saying art is subjective is for pussies who dont have the gall to do anything and would rather put it on the shoulders of other people
EraserHeadFan: this is a conversation for another time
Debbie: its not a conversation
Debbie: its a speech
Debbie: peace out

It's time to get things in order...

I am going to start a production company.



ready...lets go.

i'm pretty easy to please, as far as things go...

After a fight with Mr.800 miles away (he's in the same town as me this week thank god) this was said:

800-"Baby, I have two great loves in my life and you're one of them."
me- "What's the other one?"
800-"Science"


swoooon

and when you strip it all away...

Everyday I will focus all my energy on my goals.
I will not be waylaid by the temptations of quick and easy internet communication, television entertainment and the general distractons that keep me from my ultimate goal.
I will stop thinking so much about what I am wearing.
I will stop second guessing myself when I DO create something in order to please other people.
I will be less self critical.
I will write a manifesto for my life.
I will eliminate as much extraneous though, things, and actions as possible.
I will be pure in intent.
I will not relent.

I will rise above.

Zach Hoel and The Flawless Victories

I'm way into the leaked tracks from Zach Hoel and the Flawless Victories



test test test

help me kill my time

I'm sitting writing when I should be packing
the shade is down, it always is now
I prefer artifical light
I'm rendering myself useless through my own self doubt,
wishing I could dispose of those parts of myself I find
boring
disturbing
cliche'
I need to keep moving foward,
Soon I hope to be
Just somebody that I used to know.

***

It's time to go to see my old self
in a town I hate
in a mirror i broke
and all the little shards keep sticking into my hands
i'm always bleeding on the new blue bedsheets

***

between sleepy cities

***

when you grow up youre gonna be a freak
i wanna be a girl
who's not scared of anything

***
"Being 'The Girl in the Funny T-shirts? That's what you're afraid of?' he said amused with me.
"yup"

I nod.

actually i'm really afraid of being a cliche', that's what I was really trying to say friend. i'm pretty impressed by the fact that you are special by nature of who you are and I have to wear stupid clothes to be different. even my belt has a big mouth

***

?

i got a question mark

i dream and i don't know what it means

Hi

I am not that mysterious. I just don't like my face on the internets.


I also enjoy the tactile experience of putting cd's in the player, or casettes in the walkman, or records on the turntable.

MP3's dont have the joy of putting something in, making it play and the momentary pause of


HEEEEEEEEEERRRREEEEEE COOOOOMES MUUUUUSIC!


Everyone should listen to a panic at the pagoda by the Dog Traders they are pretty sweet.

BLACK FLAG LYRICS

"Wasted"

I was so wasted I was a hippie I was a burnout I was a dropout I was out of my head I was a surfer I had a skateboard I was so heavy man, I lived on the strand I was so wasted I was so fucked up I was so messed up I was so screwed up I was out of my head I was so jacked up I was so drunk up I was so knocked out, I was out of my head I was so wasted I was wasted.

This is my production company...

We ran out of hot chicks so I played the dead body

I need these old dreams to break down...

You've got to wonder, how long do people not say anything to someone they might potentially be friends with because they're afraid they're not cool enough?

Apparently for me half a semester. I finally had a conversation with one of these kids in my tolkien class that I kept thinking said really insightful things but I never had a chance to talk to him, or the nerve to say "yo dude nice point" But today we had a conversation and they seem like a generally cool human-bean. So that was reassuring


So the metal show last night...was the awesome. I didn't study as much as I should have for my arthurian literature midterm but I generally got this feeling: I am going to be young for a very very shot time. Some portion of that time should be dedicated to some headbanging amonst drunken metal heads. The evening got off to a good start, memorizing tolkien's poetry at nicoles house, Having a drink, going to bills and watching the new Nine Inch Nails DVD with Bill, Oliver, and Luke. Then the show...

God I love little rock shows, or big ones, the pounding bodies the sweat the noise. It's primal, like some long forgotten ritual of our collective ancestors. A friend's band Brothers Through Glass played and they were mighty fine. Being underaged I had to drink rum and coke from a water bottle in the bathroom. Rebellion is hilarious.

Plus headbanging is sweet.



On the plus side I did well on my assignments. I am a genius and now I am off to see friends and then go to a "Friends of Knowledge Kegger"


Huzzah

Beating The War Drums

You can't help the things you feel, as I'm finding out, but you can help how you react to these emotions. I'm learning slowly how I tend to do what's easier for me than what's best for the people that I care about. My general agnst is mostly the result of my own habit of erring on the side of melodrama and the public declaration of self truth rather than any sort of tangible issue within my own life. For year I had a reoccuring dream that my teeth were loose and I would spend the duration of the dream attempting to keep them in. Closing my mouth and reminding myself not to touch them with my teeth. Right before I left for university, 300 miles to the north of where I grew up and on the other side of the planet socially. I had the dream again, sick of the re-occuring dream I finally ripped the teeth out of my head. They were brown and rotten and they had clotted blood and pus on them It wasn't appealing. Staring at my gruesome teeth I woke up. I never had that dream again.
Now I have nightmares at night that my mouth is stuck open and I can't close it.

Maybe I talk too much.

Maybe this is an example, but then again this is a blog and I have nothing to write about but what I know within myself.

I took a nap yesterday and had a horrible nightmare, I thought I was screaming in my sleep. Aes, my 800 miles away lover of just about forever, said I shouldn't let it effect me. I wish I could be like him, logical, straight foward, intelligent in the most measurable way. I am not that way, emotional, overly expressive... I used to suffer from depression and anxiety , the kind that makes you crazy, now I deal with it. It doesn't mean it's gone, it doesn't mean I'm crazy. It means I have to take care of myself, and I do. It's tempting isn't it? My depression generally makes me artistically prolific and I find it easier to work well in the creative arena. It's just not something I can succomb to. Not if I want to live.


***

during a conversation in class about the war in Iraq

"You guys keep blaming the media but it's US who demand that CNN give us information on Anna Nicole Smith and Tickle-Me-Elmo rather than The War. If there was say, a black jewish woman who ran for president, do you think America would elect her? I hate to seem like I have no faith in the over-riding goodness of humanity, but I'm going to be honest, I don't think we would. What we're getting is what we're demanding."

Who will watch the watchmen?

She will...